Look Ma, no hands!

Well, no, let's not get all excited and ahead of ourselves, but here's how it went down so far:

Day 1, ANZAC Day (official): I was feeling nervous, getting up at 8am, on Sunday morning. I had a big day ahead of me, and all I could think of was my fear of falling, or as it's technically called, stacking it. Badly. Vay drove me to the local community centre, where we had met a nice old gentleman, Doug, who vaguely reminded me of Santa Claus, a couple of weeks ago. We had a bit of a boozy night before at Cynthia's party, but it was nothing I couldn't handle. I felt fine. Fit as a fiddle, I told myself. Why, I wasn't going to fall, Doug reassured me that he could teach me how to ride in about an hour. If I had normal reflexes. Which, I think I did. I mean, how bad could I be?

We turned up, it was 9am, but the gates were closed. "Just call his mobile", Vay insisted, rather annoyingly, I might add. I actually hated calling people's mobiles, but I was slightly worried (maybe even secretly hopeful?) that he'd forgotten, and that we could forget it and call the whole thing off. But no. He was on his way. No backing out now.

I wore my first training helmet, and stood watching Doug as he showed me how to mount the bike, and begin gliding, which is just like riding without your feet on the pedals, and just letting the bike carry you with its own momentum. Which works in THEORY. Doug was walking/jogging behind me as we made laps around the car park, and all I had to do was steer the handlebars. Sure it sounds EASY, but I hadn't touched a bike in over 20 years, and it was scary. As soon as we were going a bit faster, I would panic and would try to put one of my feet down to one side, and it would cause me to tip the balance, and the whole thing would fall to one side. Which was a pain in the ass. Because then we'd have to start again. From the top.

The point of the exercise was to get me to just learn how to balance on the bike. I was feeling bad about not getting the hang of it straight away. I thought it would be easy as pie, I'd seen people - old people even, like that guy with the motorised bicycle delivering catalogues - ride around on their bikes like it was the most natural thing to do for crying out loud, WHY COULDN'T I DO IT? Is there something wrong with me? Sure I was uncoordinated at the best of times, but surely I could ride a bike for god's sake.

I didn't want to disappoint Doug, but the strain was showing on his face. I was dreading he'd tell me, well, I've tried my best, but THERE'S NO HOPE FOR YOU. It had started raining, and I didn't think I had gotten very far, but at least I hadn't fallen over. Not bad for half an hour's work. We called it quits for the morning, and we retreated to the bike shed to pick out a practice bike for me. We got one for only $60, and it came with a brand new helmet. I thought it was too soon to get a bike for little old me, but Vay was saying, right, we're doing this again tomorrow till you get it right. Doug's wife was saying how there was an older lady who learnt just like that, she was a natural. She was her star pupil, she said. Ugh, which made me feel EVEN LAMER, but I'm sure she meant it as encouragement. Something to strive for. Hmm, yeah... right.

Later on that morning, we had a quick breakfast at McDonalds, apparently they don't make Big Breakfasts anymore. What?! "Geez hun, when was the last time you had McDonald's for breakfast?" When did they phase that out? And why wasn't I consulted? Anyway, I had to make do with one of them new Sausage and Egg McMuffin meals. Poppycock!

I spent the rest of the day hanging out with Anney, we watched How to Train your Dragon in 3D, but apparently Anney didn't think it warranted that much acclaim. In other words, she thought it was crap, let's face it. That's what you thought, wasn't it? I, for one, thought it was alright, and even I have a thing against animated movies, unless it was say, Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Madagascar, Ice Age, or Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Really, I do.

Day 2, ANZAC Day public holiday (woo hoo, 3 day weekend): It was time for more practice, this time on my own bike, around the pathways around Vay's place. He was guiding me just like Doug did, while I struggled to stay afloat. I wasn't sure what I was doing, and I half expected him to yell at me, but he was surprisingly calm and patient. SURPRISINGLY, I can't stress that enough, people. The turning point was when we tried launching me from the top of the slightly descending pavement, so that I'd gather speed as I coasted down. And all at once, I was gliding, going at least a few metres! I had my hands above the brakes, just in case, but I was still stiff, but not as panicky as before. I screamed a bit - Vay: "You've got to stop screaming, just use your brakes, USE YOUR BRAKES!". I stacked it once, but I managed to sprawl myself across the grass on the side hands first. "There you go, your first fall, now you won't be so scared." Um, yeah... I kept asking Vay how I was, I'm balancing aren't I? Aren't I? I had no idea, but it felt better, going down that slope, it was all about the momentum, keeping that perpetual motion going. Yeah, whatever hun, just let me do this thing. We stopped after about an hour, it was getting dark, and my nether regions were fucking hurting cos my jeans kept jabbing into me, and I complained about this to Vay, but all he could say was to suck it up. (Later on, when he was trying on the bike, he did say, "yeah, it does hurt eh?" Well hun, suck it up).

Day 3, Saturday afternoon (after my chores): A week later, we gave it another go at his place, where we kept my bike. This time I came prepared, with my gym pants, and underneath I wore one of his special padded bike pants. Heh heh, it was like wearing nothing at all.

Today we were going to continue practising gliding down the path again. I could see myself improving, little by little, being able to glide further and further, if only by a few metres or so, but it was something, damn it.

"Why don't we try and just put our feet on the pedals? You know, just for fun", Vay's suggesting, well, pressuring more like it. I don't know about this hun. Isn't it too soon? I was nervous, we were already to the NEXT STAGE. This was further then I'd ever gone before. I didn't know if I was ready - the last thing I wanted to do was stuff it up. "Yeah, just rest your feet on the pedals, it's called cruising". Are you holding me hun? Hold me, damn it. Vay gave me a push off at the top of the sloping path. "Just let yourself glide down" he called, from what seemed far, far away. All of a sudden I was CRUISING with my feet on the pedals! "You're a fucking genius!" he called from somewhere behind me. I didn't know if he was praising me or himself, but it felt amazing! Man, I must've been going at least 5 km. Then I had to put on the brakes.

"Alright, now we're gonna try and get you to cycle your legs. It's alright, I'll hold the bike steady." Vay held the bike steady as we went up the path. It wasn't until we were at the top again, and we were ready to launch me down the slope again, this time, with me actually cycling the pedals. "That's it hun, you're getting the hang of it now", Vay was strangely calm, and focussed. My progress was in his interests, it seemed. Oh I see, you just want me to learn so I can join your bike gang don't you? Don't you?

So I'm going along, balancing myself pretty well, and the next thing I fucking knew, Vay gave one last push, like a mother giving birth, and then I was FUCKING FLYING SOLO! A million thoughts flew in my head: God, I can't believe he let me go! Oh my god, I can't believe I'm not falling over! Yes, each thought was punctuated by an exclamation mark, and the word God. NOT that he had anything to do with it, surely. "I can't wait for Doug to see me now!" I screamed at Vay, before casually putting on the brakes down the pathway. You just had to be there.

But that wasn't the end of it, no sirree. No, Vay wasn't done with me yet. He got on the bike, and showed me how to push off on my own. "See, this is how I learnt it, but don't you try and do what I do". Ok then. It seemed easy enough, why, you just lean on one side for support, while you push down on the right pedal to gain momentum, and start peddling away. Just like that. It's like nothing at all, nothing at all, nothing at all...

Well, I tried it, Vay was behind me for a bit, but it wasn't long before I stepped on the right pedal hard and launched myself, no help whatsoever. FUCK I was good! I peddled my little heart out all the way up the slope, and turned the baby around again to go all the way down, just for fun, while Vay looked on in bemusement. So this is what it feels like, I felt like I'd had my first orgasm and was now part of some secret society. I still had to learn how to turn and some other tricks of the trade, but at least I got the gist of it.

By George, I think she's got it! I could RIDE this thing BABY, I could ride it down to CHINATOWN! God it was the greatest feeling ever! The wind on my face, the unbearable lightness of being, all my troubles seemed so far away, there's nothing like it.

But how could I really describe this new found feeling of freedom, you ask? Why, my friend, it's like riding a bicycle... :)

Here's a little something that was um, cycling, through my mind as I wrote this piece: The Pushbike Song, by the Mixtures.